Yep....that's what I've got....
From the age of 5 until I was 18, I was a competitive swimmer. I swam almost 7 days a week, and at least 2-3 hours a day. It was pure insanity. Anywho....around the ripe old age of 15, I started to get tired of swimming (imagine that...lol) and developed what my Mom termed "stinkin' thinkin'" - which translated, means basically an extreme case of negative attitude. My "stinkin' thinkin'" would undermine my confidence and belief in myself, and eventually would lead to poor performances in swim meets. Swimming, like most sports, can be just as much mental as it is physical, and when my penchant for negativity took hold, look out....bad things ahead.
So...fast forward a little over a decade and the "disease" has come back. I am feeling so down about this cycle, and our chances of becoming parents via IUI. I know this is only the 3rd try and some people try for months before getting their BFP, but I guess I thought for me, the difficult part of this process would be in "staying pregnant", not "getting pregnant". Without going into massive details at this point, I'll just say this... my Mom had 4 miscarriages due to a chromosomal abnormality, and unfortunately her sense of humor wasn't the only thing I inherited from her, so God only knows if I'm able to get pregnant, if it will result in a viable baby. So I guess I was just hoping that maybe getting pregnant would be the easy part, but that's proving to be difficult as well.
I don't want to have "stinkin' thinkin"" about this cycle, but I can't help feeling this heaviness in my heart as I go thru this cycle. I should be excited about the CD12 U/S on Friday and the impending IUI #3, but instead I just feel numb and like I'm going thru the motions. I know I should be staying positive, but I just feel like the handwriting is already on the wall and IVF may be on the horizon. We're only doing a maximum of 4 IUI's and then giving up and moving on to IVF (if we can figure out how to pay for it).
So, I'm not really sure where all this leaves me -- the roller coaster that is "Try #3" is chugging up the hill and there's not much I can do to stop it, so I guess I'm just going to have to hang on and attempt to enjoy the ride. If anyone out there has any good vibes or positivity to send my way, I'm definitely accepting donations! :)
Hope everyone is having a good week!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Stinkin' Thinkin'
Posted by Suz at 11:06 PM
Labels: IUI # 3, Stinkin' Thinkin', Try 3
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5 comments:
I think like a lot of ttc'ers you are just so damn happy that first and even second time. by about time 3 and even 4 and 5 you start to feel yourself and your positive attitude slipping down the, I'm totally infertile, I'll never get pregnant, this sucks, I'll never be a mother, slope.
Don't worry. it's very normal and all you can do is try to stay focused on the light at the end of the tunnel, whether it be a long or short tunnel, only mother nature knows.
This is what I try and tell myself. You will go through the tunnel one way or another. Do you want it to be a positive experience in the end. Then change the way you think now.
I would tell myself that I would be less hurt if I prepared for the worst case. Not getting my hopes up only to be disappointed was my philosophy. Thing is, I was still disapointed each and ever time. so being negative didn't change the way I felt in the end at all....it just made me feel worse 2 weeks before those bad couple of days.
WHEW. long commenter huh ?
What I'm trying to say is.....don't worry. be happy !
I think the negativity is just you trying to guard yourself from getting let down again. I do that alot and dont even realize I am doing it. Some way, some how it will happen. It may not be they way you plan it, but in the end you will have the baby you are supposed to have. Keep your head up!! Love You Guys!!
ugg, i totally hear you! Its SO frustrating, but its also so random about how/when it does work so i feel like you have just as good a chance of it working now as in 3 cycles...AND you might find that the cycle that you are experiencing the most negativity, is actually the one that works! Keep that glimmer of hope!
I've definitely found it really hard to stay positive through all the TTC madness, but I agree it's at least worth a shot. It's hard not to think about what comes next, to start to predict yet another negative result. I try to fantasize about how amazing it will be finally see that BFP, and to use that to stir up those excited and hopeful feelings. Hang in there!
Thanks all for your positivity...glad you all know where I'm coming from and I'm not alone in the way I feel. I appreciate all of your comments! I'll let you know how it turns out! ;)
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