Stinkin' Thinkin'

Yep....that's what I've got....

From the age of 5 until I was 18, I was a competitive swimmer.  I swam almost 7 days a week, and at least 2-3 hours a day.  It was pure insanity.  Anywho....around the ripe old age of 15, I started to get tired of swimming (imagine that...lol) and developed what my Mom termed "stinkin' thinkin'" - which translated, means basically an extreme case of negative attitude.  My "stinkin' thinkin'" would undermine my confidence and belief in myself, and eventually would lead to poor performances in swim meets.  Swimming, like most sports, can be just as much mental as it is physical, and when my penchant for negativity took hold, look out....bad things ahead.

So...fast forward a little over a decade and the "disease" has come back.  I am feeling so down about this cycle, and our chances of becoming parents via IUI.  I know this is only the 3rd try and some people try for months before getting their BFP, but I guess I thought for me, the difficult part of this process would be in "staying pregnant", not "getting pregnant".  Without going into massive details at this point, I'll just say this... my Mom had 4 miscarriages due to a chromosomal abnormality, and unfortunately her sense of humor wasn't the only thing I inherited from her, so God only knows if I'm able to get pregnant, if it will result in a viable baby.  So I guess I was just hoping that maybe getting pregnant would be the easy part, but that's proving to be difficult as well.

I don't want to have "stinkin' thinkin"" about this cycle, but I can't help feeling this heaviness in my heart as I go thru this cycle.  I should be excited about the CD12 U/S on Friday and the impending IUI #3, but instead I just feel numb and like I'm going thru the motions.  I know I should be staying positive, but I just feel like the handwriting is already on the wall and IVF may be on the horizon.  We're only doing a maximum of 4 IUI's and then giving up and moving on to IVF (if we can figure out how to pay for it).

So, I'm not really sure where all this leaves me -- the roller coaster that is "Try #3" is chugging up the hill and there's not much I can do to stop it, so I guess I'm just going to have to hang on and attempt to enjoy the ride.  If anyone out there has any good vibes or positivity to send my way, I'm definitely accepting donations!  :)

Hope everyone is having a good week!